Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Last day in Cardiff

Its my last day today, actually got up at 6am, amazing, and drove to pick u boxes from Marie; I walked out the door, and I could smell the sea, and that early morning Cardiff smell which is like no where else, got in my van, switched the radio on, it was the music to the start of the Chris Moyles show, and I burst into tears, and cried all the way there.

Got back, still in the dark and checked emials, and did some dyeing (the only thing not packed is my gohonzon (buddhist scroll i chant to) and my dyes, lol), at 7am in the morning, lol, how bizarre.

Felt completely and utterly gutted that I was leaving, and felt like part of my heart was shredded into peices. Then Rabab and lynette came round, and we chanted and then for a last breakfast to my fav greasy spoon on splott road, and now I feel much better, and very very exicted.

Cardiff feels more like my home than where I grew up now, the first time I visited, I drove past the university, and I knew in my heart that is where I would be coming and something special was going to happen here. And even though I didn't have enough grades, I just knew it would be ok. I wrote the psychology dept a letter and told them how much I wanted to do the course, and I got in!!

I thought that perhaps the special feeling was about the psychology course, but it wasn't, and I also thought maybe it was about meeting Anth and getting married but it wasn't that either, I am pretty sure that the special thing that cardiff had to teach me was to be true to myself.

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it!! It took a very long time to learn it though, and it only in the last 2.5 years I have consistently listened to that feeling in my belly, and well, my life has never been quite the same since, lol, and now I suppose I have learnt that lesson, its time to leave. Because I really believe I deserve to have an amazing life, which is scary, because I am used to struggling, and not liking myself very much, and spent most of my 20's feeling completely inadequate, and here is how is changed..........

One day about 4 years ago, I came back from my honeymoon to find someone sharing my office with me. I wasn't sure what to think, because I wasn't expecting it, and there was this pretty spanish girl sat next to me, and I was rather intimidated.

It just so happened, that we connected in such an incredible way, that she became my best freind in the whole world, and I had someone to talk to everyday, and share how I was feeling for the first time in 8 years, and it changed everything.

I had someone to reflect with about everything in my life, it was like the universe knew exactly what I needed, and I just started to grow and blossom, weirdly because it was like looking in a mirror, we are so so similar, and I could see her changing at the same time as me, so it was like watching myself.

Sometimes I feel like I had to be in Cardiff to meet Carmen, and I know that that was the special thing that I felt when I drove down that road that day when I first came, and she helped me to be true to myself. Which meant I had the courage to start my own business, and to change things and relationships that had to change, and my god, my life turned upside down, and she was there with me all the way.

And now I am the cheeky confident person  I was always meant to be, and I am doing what I am good at, and although the past few years have been tough, because its a little bit like switching the engine off on a huge ship, you have to wait for it to stop moving forward before you can turn it around and its a slow process, and the last few years have been about turning my ship around, and having to battle against all the old causes I have made, but I feel like the front end is actually turning, and I am moving to a place where I am loved, cherished, and I am valued for all the cheekyness I can dish out, I am so so excited, and grateful to Carmen for helping me to make it happen, and to all my gorgeous buddhist freinds and Marie  and ofcourse there are more, but too many to name them all.

So there,  bit soppy I know, but feels like this is a bit of a momentous day, and I need to write something a bit philosophical to mark it.


  1. Thanks for sharing, Jeni. May your self confidence and happiness grow and grow as you keep on moving forward in this next stage of your life.
    Love the cheekiness! :>)

  2. You do deserve it Jeni, I wish you all happiness and joy on your new journey:)

  3. Gosh, I just read it and I can’t stop crying!! You’re the BEST and this is what you must do now, no doubts!! I’ll phone you latter. Love you tons!!

  4. Well done for working it out. It took me years to work out that all I had to do was just to be me.I am a great beleiver that when the time is right the right people always appear in your life.
    Wishing you every happiness.

  5. Hope all goes well tomorrow! And that things keep going your way because you really, really deserve it. You're such a nice, generous, funny and yes, cheeky person, you deserve be happy and have a good life!
    And after all, Cardiff isn't that far away and friends remain, even across distances.
    Wishing you all the best! And sending you lots and lots of good and positive thoughts. You rock! ;) All will be well.

  6. That's one very grown up post. I knew from the very first skein you were someone special ;)
    Onwards and upwards, go get 'em tiger!

  7. Fran (Carmen´s Husband) from Spain! ;-)27 November 2008 at 04:43

    I didn´t cry so much a long time ago. So bad, because I´m at work right now!! I felt the same on my last day on Cardiff. :-(
    I love you very much Jen, you´re my little sister, Cardiff will never be the same without you, but, hey!, keep on moving, and join the Club PWMC (People Who Miss Cardiff). ;-) I believe you need to cut your last tie to be truly yourself. You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, Buddhism, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
    I´m really dying to come to Cardiff (ups, ok, Wales...)and see you again!!
    Tons of kisses and our best wishes from Carmen and me!!

  8. Go it Girl!!! You really crease me up Jeni. I really feel for you moving away from your home but new beginnings are something to look forward to. I wish you every success in your new home, your yarns really rock me. Any news on the sparkly yarn. I missed the first bit. It sounds really special. You are so priceless I'm so glad to have met you, you are one special lady, and to real friends distances don't matter. I have a good friend in Norway she's so beautiful just like you. X

  9. Life is amazing isn't it ? and folks that come our way can change us in so many ways for the better. You deserve happiness so go for it and move forward
    Anne x