My weekend like I said yesterday, was good apart from a horrible little blip at the end, I have been separated for over 18 months, but I still get really upset about it sometimes, especially when ex husband and I meet up with other friends, and both find it difficult, and then end up upsetting each other. Not major rows or anything, just kind of you know, both being upset. Unfortunately these little 'meet ups' just make me miserable and exhausted for days afterward. Yesterday I plodded through my work, did quite alot, but I felt so blimin flat, you know what I mean? Then I spent the evening knitting and watching TV, I didn't feel like having tea, and I felt to be honest? Completely crap, crap that I don't have a husband any more, no children, no one to look after.
Its a bit strange really, because normally I relish my freedom, my happy free life with no one to look after, but recently it feels like my body is playing tricks on me, I keep getting a stupid feeling that I want a baby, I mean, this is me we are talking about now, I am not a baby person, I normally make them cry, probably all I need is a trip to tesco on a Saturday, and that will sort my head out, and make me never want children ever again, lol.
So anyway I'm babbling today, this morning I woke up at about 8, knackered, and miserable, and I thought, gees, I'm not gonna get out of bed today, I just know it, and then remembered that a friend had invited me to yoga, (I have never been before), I thought I'll cancel it and go back to sleep, and then the reflective part of me which I believe is called my meta cognition (i.e. the part of me that reflects on the way I think, lol) was just a little bit concerned, that this wasn't like me one little bit. And you know in a moment, you think this has to change now, or it could be very bad? I jumped out of bed, stuck my trainers on, and some jogging pants, found the address and drove like hell to the yoga class, which was in a little wooden hut in the middle of Llanishen, it was the funniest thing ever, it wasn't what I expected, but it was good, fun, laughter, crying (not me), lots of exercise, tea and cake afterward, and it plucked me up just enough to feel like I was doing myself some good.
So I came home and cooked a massive stir fry, and now I feel warm, toasty and calm, not got my sparkle back yet, but I think that'll come when I go and do some chanting, but I feel like I'm going through some huge personal changes, and perhaps I'm just not used to having so much time to think, working in your own is a nightmare for thinking, and perhaps the fact that i turn 30 in 2 months, is making me reflect on my life just a little bit, anyone know what the hell I am talking about?
Hi, Jeni,
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling like this as thirty loomed ever closer.
I've told you before, but will reiterate, that everything has its time. My first child arrived when I was 32, then no:2 at 36, and no:3 surprised us when I was on the way to 42. I was with the right partner and in the right headspace to cope with it all by then.
And I do understand about the bereavement thing when a marriage breaks up, as you know.
Once you've passed this milestone, you'll feel better. You'd better, or I'll come over the bridge and give you a hug!
xxx
Hormones are a pain in the proverbial sometimes. Trust me, babies play havoc with your knitting especially when they start to crawl and I can only imagine the mess with dye as soon as your back is turned ;) Not only that they grow into teenagers, not so cute then.....
ReplyDeleteYou've got all the time in the world for a baby and 18 months isn't a very long time to be on your own. You are a gorgeous, clever, successful, independent girl who has the world at her feet. They'll be queuing up to give you babies if you let them...crikey I hope you're prepared!
Don't worry about the baby thing... I can talk... it took almost 10 years of marriage for my DH to convince me to convince myself that it was the right thing to do... I'd always said I would love to be PG but didn't want to take my work home (I teach...) Anyway, DD arrived when I was 34 and is now 3 1/2 and the best thing ever... but I still relish a few minutes of undisturbed knitting time, but taught myself to do 2 at once on circs while sitting on the edge of the bath having an earnest conversation with a 2 year old! (and will not give up my yoga class for anyone!!!)
ReplyDeleteDisregard all of my rambling... what happens to you will be the right thing at the right time...
Decades passing are a really time for profound thought. I had a similar thing the year I turned 40 but it started 3 months earlier on Jan 1st of what would be my fortieth year. I was just caught with the thought that I must stat getting a grip on my life. So it maybe the turning of the year as well as everthing else. There have to be downs or the ups wouldn't be ups but it is a bugger when you're in them. Hugs and daimoku coming your way.
ReplyDeleteMaylin NMRK